BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the
suffix ise.
. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.
. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried
in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is n ot
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America)
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the
suffix ise.
. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.
. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried
in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is n ot
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America)
(\__/)
(O.o )
(> < ) This is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world domination!
