A man and his daughter were standing in the garden one day when the little girl spots two spiders mating.
Mary: Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?
Dad: They're mating, honey.
Mary: What's the one on top called?
Dad: It's a daddy-longlegs.
Mary: So the one on bottom is a mommy-longlegs?
Dad: No, it's a daddy-longlegs, too.
Mary: (thinks for a minute, then stomps on both spiders) Well, we're not having any of that crap in OUR garden!
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
Attorney: "May I help you
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA:
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December
and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it
to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes
around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me,
you don't wanna be around to smell it.
These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to
have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic
bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway?
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Doctor's and Lawyer's make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint
of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -I think I deserve a
piece of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think
these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself
a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA:
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned
you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue concerning
Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy,
have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us
do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a
limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms.
Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately
squashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my
lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore
my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are: "Decorator Ken,""Beauty
Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be
considered are: "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West
Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and,
I believe, open up markets that have been under served.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while
the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal
action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she
can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last
A man approached a hooker and said "I'll give you $500 if you will have
sex with me anyway I want. The Hooker said that the price he offered is
slightly low. The man then said "Well then I’ll give you $1000 if you
will have sex with me anyway I want. The hooker finally agreed and they
left and went to a motel.
The hooker and man were busy at it when suddenly the hooker said "Exactly
how do you want to have sex for $1000?” The man replied, "On Credit
One day a son asked his father what was the difference between "theory"
and "reality". His father thought and then said "Go ask your Mother if
she would sleep with the next door neighbor for a half million dollars."
The son went to his mother and asked her. She thought about it a minute
and then said, "Yes, yes I would." The son returned to his father and
told him her reply. The father then told the son to go ask his sister if
she would sleep with the next door neighbor's son for a half million
dollars. The son went to his sister and asked her. She thought about it
for a minute and then replied, "Yes, yes I would."
The son returned to his father and told him his sister also said she
would. The father said, "Well son, there you have it. In theory, we're
living with a million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of
An Italian walks into a bar with a bad knee and notices a guy sitting at
the end of the bar. He walks the bartender who it was. The bartender
told him it was Jesus. The Italian ordered a drink for himself and Jesus.
Next, a carpenter walks in. He asked if that was Jesus. He then ordered
a drink for himself and for Jesus.
Finally, a redneck walks in and orders a drink for himself and Jesus.
A few minutes later, Jesus gets up and goes to the Italian. He thanked
him for his generosity and healed him. Jesus walked over to the
carpenter, thanked him, and healed him. Then, he walked over to the
redneck. The redneck jumped up and shouted," Don't heal me, I'm on
oki czekam teraz na baty za moje lenistwo i pewnie mr. powie, że któryś z jokesów to GW, serdecznie pozdrawiam, zaspany i zmęczony
The full armies of the Beast move into Israel and shall conquer all that territory