"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
those just missed out on the Top 10:
"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward
"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth
"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston
"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster
IMHO the funniest joke is: "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time", but that's me (have you noticed Tim Vine is not present this year, but then again last year's "I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."
The winner got some stick on twitter:
"I deleted all the Spanish names from my phone. Juan by Juan."
"If he left one German in the phone would it be Hans Solo?"
"I was Russian to the fridge to Czech for some food because I was Hungary" Mike Young
BBC seems to think they found a new talent - Andy Bowers:
"My mum hates her new stair lift. She says it drives her up the wall."
"I've just finished covering my Ford transit in sequins. I always wanted a camper Van."
"Met a guy the other day who said his job was as a limb stretcher. I said "you're pulling my leg mate"
Then they stumbled upon this: "I entered 10 puns into a contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did." PLEASE STOP!
And three Classic ones: "My wife has just gone to the West Indies. Jamaica? No she went on her own accord!"
"Shakespeare walks into a pub. the landlord shouts, 'Get out you're Bard'."
"Man goes into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh. Man shouts to him - do you want a drink? Vincent shouts back - no thanks... got one 'ere."
like I said classic...
3. Politics is just show business for ugly people." Joan Rivers
2. "Trying is the first step towards failure." Homer Simpson
1. "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." Ambrose Bierce
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