Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs

I can speak Esperanto like a native

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy

I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine

General: Where are you from?
Spike: London.
General: Which part?
Spike: ... Well, all of me.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected

A family man from Siberia
As a father was very inferior
But one operation
Revised the situation
And now he's Mother Superior

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden

(from The Telegraph)

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