1.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against
the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman
wistfully recalled that the next week would mark
their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested.
"Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee,
Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why
the pig should take the blame for something that
happened fifty years ago."
2.
A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped
for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't
give him long to live. He decided to live it
up.
Withdrawing all of his money from the bank,
he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was
at the most expensive haberdashery in the city.
He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a
size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks
bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."
The man said, "I know my size. I want them
in a fourteen."
The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but
I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll
gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."
3.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment
to find out about something exciting and relate
it to the class the next day. When the time came
for the little kids to give their reports, the
teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little
Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot
on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny
had in mind for his report, so she asked him
just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what
is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this
morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy
had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."
4.
The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the West
Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000,
minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
5.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five
thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the
window, as though he hadn't hear the question. The prosecutor again
blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond. Finally, the
judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
6.
Proof that Vodka is good for your brain: When
NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
discovered that ball-point pens would not work
in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing
a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
to over 300C. When confronted with the same problem,
the Russians used a pencil
That's all folks
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against
the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman
wistfully recalled that the next week would mark
their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested.
"Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee,
Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why
the pig should take the blame for something that
happened fifty years ago."
2.
A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped
for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't
give him long to live. He decided to live it
up.
Withdrawing all of his money from the bank,
he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was
at the most expensive haberdashery in the city.
He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a
size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks
bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."
The man said, "I know my size. I want them
in a fourteen."
The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but
I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll
gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."
3.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment
to find out about something exciting and relate
it to the class the next day. When the time came
for the little kids to give their reports, the
teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little
Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot
on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny
had in mind for his report, so she asked him
just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what
is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this
morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy
had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."
4.
The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the West
Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000,
minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
5.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five
thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the
window, as though he hadn't hear the question. The prosecutor again
blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to
compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond. Finally, the
judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
6.
Proof that Vodka is good for your brain: When
NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
discovered that ball-point pens would not work
in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing
a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
to over 300C. When confronted with the same problem,
the Russians used a pencil
That's all folks