Flood? No way... Ahhh, whatever...
Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.
Quotes in brackets () are just my comments...
Product Warnings:
* "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs. (Sure it shouldn't.. It says it's for dogs, doesn't it?)
* "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron. (and internal use would be...??)
* "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron. (hmmm... how strange...)
* "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer. (this one is quite understandable)
* "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer. (But this one... WTF?)
* "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device. (this is a good one...)
* "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket. (why not, I like hot chocolate)
* "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan. (How could anyone be THAT stupid?)
* "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists. (Hmm... How surprising)
* "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool. (Only in USA...)
* "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant. (I think my eyes are smelly...)
* "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard. (...)
* "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn. (C'mon, hit me with a brick..)
* "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter. (Isn't that what it's for??)
* "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.
* "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer. (I guess it must be tasty...)
* "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow. (Let's drag race...)
* "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater. (So what do I need it for?)
* "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray. (Well, I hope it does...)
* "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock." (n/c)
* "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box. (...)
* "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup. (...)
* "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee. (I don't get this one... really)
* "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush. (
)
* "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife. (Away is very common, byt out?? Geez, isn't that just obvious?)
* "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old. (Does anyone buy it?)
* "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery. (So... Is attery usage illegal or what?)
* "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion. (Some people...)
* "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer. (It's still ok if I have both??)
* "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven. (This one was made after a lady tried to dry her poodle in one)
* "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod. (Why? Some people don't obey me...)
* "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener. (I guess I need a training...)
* "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener. (Yeah... As You already know, You should get a proper training first...)
* "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror. (Obvious?? Well... Seems not...)
* "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski. (Interesting... Never knew it was possible...)
* "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm. (Anyone knows a gnome??)
* "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty. (That's just gross)
* "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia. (And just where is the hot section of a fridge??)
* "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone. (Really strange...)
* "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers. (n/c)
* "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink. (No way... )
* "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate. (...)
* "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant. (Feels good when it burns...)
* "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison. (I guess that's good... Isnt it?)
* "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757. (OMG)
* "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid. (Still tastes good)
* "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller. (One would think it's just obvious... Poor kido...)
* "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels. (One always learns something new...)
* "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck. (WHy? I live driving with my eyes closed...)
* "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron. (Maybe this one is for men?
)
* "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine. (I guess it's not for working kids)
* "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
(And the third type is...?Underwater?)
* "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume. (I wouldn't buy one if I knew)
* "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door. (?)
* "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station. (Prosecuting a dead person is an interresting idea...)
* "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets. (But it's still ok if I don't have any??)
* "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box. (Very surprising, isn't it?)
* "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box. (Hmm... A joke or just simple stupidity?)
* "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter. (Aaagh!!! A flame is coming out of it!!...)'
* "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy. (...)
* "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice. (
)
* "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers. (Geez... Is that possible??)
* "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan. ( )
* "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand or genitals" -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw. (The first part is obvious... But the second... Just painfull)
* "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer. ()
* "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts. (That's why i bought it... I guess it HAS to...)
* "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing. (This rotflin' is tiring...)
* "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds. (...)
* "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills. (Hmm.. I guess it should...)
* "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle. (Now that IS surprising...)
* "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer. (OMG!)
* "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain. (n/c)
* "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame. (Geez...)
* "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets. (Ouch...)
* "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack. (Not so obvious for some of us...)
* "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV. (Hmm... I wonder why...)
* "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack. (And if i want to hit someone with it?)
* "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone. (Your hair may catch on fire...)
* "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch. (OMFG!
)
Assurances:
* "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
Small Print From Commercials:
* "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
* "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
* "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
* "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Signs and Notices:
* "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
* "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
* "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
* "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
* "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
* "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
* "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
* "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
* "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
* "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
Safety Procedures:
* "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
* "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
Ingredients:
* "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
* "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
* "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.
Instructions:
* "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
* "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
* "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
* "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
* "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
* "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
* "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
* "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
* "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
* "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
* "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
Requirements:
* "Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.
Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.
Product Warnings:
* "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs. (Sure it shouldn't.. It says it's for dogs, doesn't it?)
* "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron. (and internal use would be...??)
* "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron. (hmmm... how strange...)
* "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer. (this one is quite understandable)
* "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer. (But this one... WTF?)
* "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device. (this is a good one...)
* "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket. (why not, I like hot chocolate
)* "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan. (How could anyone be THAT stupid?)
* "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists. (Hmm... How surprising)
* "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool. (Only in USA...)
* "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant. (I think my eyes are smelly...)
* "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard. (...)
* "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn. (C'mon, hit me with a brick..)
* "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter. (Isn't that what it's for??)
* "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.
* "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer. (I guess it must be tasty...)
* "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow. (Let's drag race...)
* "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater. (So what do I need it for?)
* "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray. (Well, I hope it does...)
* "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock." (n/c)
* "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box. (...)
* "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup. (...)
* "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee. (I don't get this one... really)
* "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush. (
)* "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife. (Away is very common, byt out?? Geez, isn't that just obvious?)
* "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old. (Does anyone buy it?)
* "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery. (So... Is attery usage illegal or what?)
* "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion. (Some people...)
* "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer. (It's still ok if I have both??)
* "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven. (This one was made after a lady tried to dry her poodle in one)
* "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod. (Why? Some people don't obey me...)
* "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener. (I guess I need a training...)
* "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener. (Yeah... As You already know, You should get a proper training first...)
* "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror. (Obvious?? Well... Seems not...)
* "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski. (Interesting... Never knew it was possible...)
* "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm. (Anyone knows a gnome??)
* "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty. (That's just gross)
* "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia. (And just where is the hot section of a fridge??)
* "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone. (Really strange...)
* "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers. (n/c)
* "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink. (No way... )
* "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate. (...)
* "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant. (Feels good when it burns...)
* "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison. (I guess that's good... Isnt it?)
* "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757. (OMG)
* "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid. (Still tastes good)
* "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller. (One would think it's just obvious... Poor kido...)
* "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels. (One always learns something new...)
* "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck. (WHy? I live driving with my eyes closed...)
* "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron. (Maybe this one is for men?
)* "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine. (I guess it's not for working kids)
* "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
(And the third type is...?Underwater?)
* "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume. (I wouldn't buy one if I knew)
* "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door. (?)
* "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station. (Prosecuting a dead person is an interresting idea...)
* "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets. (But it's still ok if I don't have any??)
* "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box. (Very surprising, isn't it?)
* "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box. (Hmm... A joke or just simple stupidity?)
* "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter. (Aaagh!!! A flame is coming out of it!!...)'
* "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy. (...)
* "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice. (
)* "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers. (Geez... Is that possible??)
* "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan. (
)* "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand or genitals" -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw. (The first part is obvious... But the second... Just painfull)
* "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer. (
)* "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts. (That's why i bought it... I guess it HAS to...)
* "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing. (This rotflin' is tiring...)
* "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds. (...)
* "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills. (Hmm.. I guess it should...)
* "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle. (Now that IS surprising...)
* "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer. (OMG!
)* "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain. (n/c)
* "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame. (Geez...)
* "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets. (Ouch...)
* "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack. (Not so obvious for some of us...)
* "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV. (Hmm... I wonder why...)
* "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack. (And if i want to hit someone with it?)
* "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone. (Your hair may catch on fire...)
* "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch. (OMFG!
)Assurances:
* "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
Small Print From Commercials:
* "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
* "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
* "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
* "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Signs and Notices:
* "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
* "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
* "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
* "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
* "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
* "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
* "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
* "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
* "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
* "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
Safety Procedures:
* "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
* "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
Ingredients:
* "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
* "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
* "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.
Instructions:
* "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
* "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
* "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
* "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
* "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
* "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
* "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
* "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
* "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
* "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
* "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
Requirements:
* "Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.