2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is: no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
6. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
8. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you.
9. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
10. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
And a joke, a kind of reflection as well...
A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation, move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good, but there were still two more floors.
On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds, are sensitive and attentive to women, are perfect lovers, and are single, rich and straight."
The women seem pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."