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…NIECODZIENNIK SATYRYCZNO-PROWOKUJĄCY

Forum > Hyde Park V > Mi się nie chce. Sami se tłumaczcie.
skijlen
Checkout girl at Tesco asked me 'if I fancied a drink?' I said 'thanks but I'm spoken for.'
She replied 'as part of the meal deal you prick!'

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The women's FA Cup winners are questioning why they only got 25k. Not the 1.8m the men's winners got.

Note to self. Next time I get up and do karaoke, remember to ask the landlord for the same as Elton John gets for performing in Las Vegas.

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I just heard a Monkee died. I hope there aren’t going to be any riots.

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Say what you like about Omicron, but your Mum still spreads faster and with more people.

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What do you call a pack with only one fag left?

Bronski Beat

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Hyphenated
Non-hyphenated

WTF ?

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Just bought my nephew the BBC colouring set for Christmas. A 24 page book and 8 black pens.

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I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, but judging by these TV adverts, I'm going to be sorely disappointed.

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46&2

Lesio5
Lesio5 - Superbojownik · 5 miesięcy temu
A zauważyłeś chociaż, że istnieje forum English jokes?

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jabba_the_hutt
@Lesio5 Na które nikt nie zagląda

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https://dn.ht/picklecat/

Djbanan
A odmień „być”

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tomasz35
@skijlen , fantastyczne, boki zrywać, ojaciez...









tej, mam cos podobnego, nawet lepszego...
...eee, sam se poczytaj/przetłumacz

Food for Thought
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An im-pasta.
Q: How do you make an artichoke?
A: You strangle it.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)
Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
A: Dinner is on me.
Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle?
A: He was a big dill!
Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: No, you should just stick with turkey.
Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital?
A: He was peeling really bad.
Q: What do you call a nosy pepper?
A: Jalapeno business!
Q: Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window?
A: To see butter-fly.
Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?
A: He was stuffed.
Q: What do you give a sick lemon?
A: A Lemon-aid.
Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam.
Q: What do you call an attractive fruit?
A: A fine-apple.
Q: What did the cupcake tell its frosting?
A: I’d be muffin without you.
The Science of Funny
Q: Why can’t you trust atoms?
A: They make up everything.
Q: What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?
A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
Q: What time is it when you have to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty!
Q: Which hand is better to write with?
A: Neither, it’s better to write with a pen.
Q: Why did the math book look so sad?
A: Because of all its problems.
Q: What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A: A palm tree!
Q: How many lips does a flower have?
A: Tu-lips.
Q: What are the strongest days of the week?
A: Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.
Q: Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: It was two tired.
Q: Where did the computer go dancing?
A: The Disc-o.
Q: What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
A: “Oops!”
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
Q: How did one one tectonic plate apologize to the other?
A: “My fault.”
Bathroom Humor
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: Why is a baseball stadium always cold?
A: Because it’s full of fans!
Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?
A: You put a boogie in it.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: What did the tired toilet say to the plunger?
A: I’m flushed.
Q: Why was the sand wet?
A: Because the sea weed.
Q: Why do people fall asleep in the bathroom?
A: Because it’s also called a restroom!
Q: What kind of dogs come from the bathroom?
A: Poodles.
Q: What did the poop say to the fart?
A: Wow, you really blow me away!
Q: Why didn’t you hear the dinosaur going to the bathroom?
A: With pterodactyls, the P is silent!
A Joke in Any Language
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
A: He was just going through a stage.
Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?
A: Nacho cheese.
Q: Why was the picture sent to jail?
A: It was framed.
Q: Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
A: It’s Dublin.
Q: Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
A: Because every play has a cast.
Q: What’s worse than raining cats & dogs?
A: Hailing taxis.
Q: What kind of chocolate do you find in airports?
A: Plain
Q: What do you call an international traveler that always stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: Why was the librarian kicked off the plane?
A: Because it was overbooked.
Howling With Laughter
Q: Who did the zombie take to the dance?
A: His ghoul-friend
Q: What do you call a rich elf?
A: Welfy.
Q: What do ghosts like to drink the most?
A: Ghoul-ade!
Q: What can you catch from a vampire in winter-time?
A: Frost-bite!
Q: How can you tell you’re in a vampire bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the donuts.
Q: How do you talk to giants?
A: Use big words!
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for his miserable summer.
Q: Why was the skeleton afraid of the storm?
A: He didn’t have any guts.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
Q: What do elves do after school?
A: Their gnome work.
Q: What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water.
Q: Which superhero hits the most home runs?
A: Batman.
Q: What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his work.
Q: What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto.
Q: Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife fall asleep?
A: Because of his coffin!
Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?
A: Wrap music.
Q: What does a vampire take for a sore throat?
A: Coffin drops.
Q: What did batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
A: “Robin, get in the car.”
Q: What street do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends.
Q: What is a witch’s favorite lesson at school?
A: Spelling.
Longitudinal Laughter
Q: What washes up on really small beaches?
A: Micro-waves.
Q: What do you call an Australian boomerang that won’t come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
A: Their crews were marooned.
Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.
Q: What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A: A Mississippi.
Q: What has 5 eyes and is lying on the water?
A: The Mississippi River
Q: What is the smartest state?
A: Alabama. It has four As and one B.
Q: What state makes the most pencils?
A: Pennsylvania.
Q: Why is it easy to remember the capitol of Alaska?
A: Juneau this one.
Q. How do geographers figure out who to marry?
A. They datum.
Q. Why did the map always lose at poker?
A. It always folded.
Q. Which is smarter: longitude or latitude?
A. Longitude, because it has 360 degrees?
Q. What’s 90 degrees, but covered with ice?
A. The North and South Poles.
Q. What rock group has four members but doesn’t make a sound?
A. Mt. Rushmore.
Q. What’s the fastest country in the world?
A. Russia.
Q. What’s the capital of Alaska?
A. Juneau?
A. I don’t — that’s why I asked you!
Q. What did the ocean say to the beach?
A. Nothing — it just waved.
I met a cartographer who was also a spider. He made web-based maps.
My friend is an expert reading maps. He’s a legend.
My friend has been scribbling something on his boat for hours. I’m sure he’s plotting something.
Jokes for Hyenas
Q: How do you make an octopus laugh?
A: With ten-tickles.
Q: What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A: A spelling bee.
What did the duck say after she bought the lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot.
A: A carrot.
Q: What do you call a seagull when it flies over a bay?
A: A bagel.
Q: What do you call a magic dog?
A: A Labracadabrador.
Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: They have two left feet?
Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?
A: Cancel its credit card.
Q: What do you call a pile of cats?
A: A meow-tain.
Q: Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
A: Because he is always lion.
Q: Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
A: She’s going to have her baby in the spring.
Q: What do sharks say when something cool happens?
A: Jawesome!
Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: Fsh.
Q: Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?
A: It’s much easier than walking!
Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: Fssshh.
Q: What do you call a fly without wings?
A: A walk.
Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
A: An irrelephant.
Q: Where do sharks go on vacation?
A: Fin-land.
Q: What is a chicken’s least favorite day?
A: Fry-day.
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don’t like fast food.


Może jeszcze ?

1. What begins with “T,” ends with “T,” and has “T” in it?
A teapot.

2. What gets cracked before you use it?
An egg.

3. What begins with an “E” but only has one letter?
An envelope.

4. What does a cloud wear under his rain jacket?
Thunderwear.

5. What has words but never speaks?
A book!

6. Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.

7. What’s full of holes but still holds water?
A sponge.

8. Where do cows go for entertainment?
The moo-vies.

9. What goes up but never comes back down?
Your age!

10. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.

11. What tire doesn’t move when the car turns right?
The spare tire.

12. What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.

13. Where do you find keys that won’t work in a lock?
On a piano.

14. Why couldn’t the moon finish his meal?
He was full!

best riddles for kids, cute kids riddles
Pexels
15. What can travel around the world without leaving its corner?
A stamp.

16. What room doesn’t have any windows?
Mushroom.

17. What do you call a grandfather clock?
An old-timer.

18. Which letter of the alphabet has the most water?
The “C.”

19. What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary?
Wrong.

20. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not a hand?
A glove.

21. How can you make the number seven even?
Remove the letter “S.”

22. What has a thousand needles but doesn’t sew?
A porcupine.

23. What goes up and down the stairs without moving?
A carpet.

24. What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it?
Silence.

25. What has legs but can’t walk?
A table.

26. Where did one wall meet the other wall?
On the corner.

27. What has teeth but can’t bite?
A comb.

28. Where do fish keep their money?
In the riverbank.

29. What gets bigger when more is taken away?
A hole.

30. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
She will “Let It Go.”

31. I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest man can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?
Breath.

32. Where do monkeys get their exercise?
The jungle gym.

33. What’s always in front of you but cannot be seen?
The future.

34. If the red house is on the right and the blue house is on the left, where is the white house?
Washington D.C.

35. What invention lets you look right through a wall?
A window.

36. What’s black, white, and blue?
A melancholy zebra.

37. What is tall when it’s young and short when it’s old?
A candle.

38. What gets wet when drying?
Towel.

39. What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.

40. What has four legs but only one foot?
A bed.

41. What do you taste twice a day but never eat?
Toothpaste.

42. What is one but made up of a hundred smalls?
Corn on the cob.

43. What is orange on the outside, green on top, and yellow on the inside?
A pumpkin!

44. What is white, cold, see-through, and says, “Boo”?
A ghost.

45. What is one but with 100 legs?
A centipede.

46. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
A clock.

47. What has a neck but no head?
A bottle.

48. What type of cheese is made backward?
Edam.

49. Why did the boy bury his flashlight?
Because the batteries died.

50. Which month has 28 days?
All of them, of course.

51. How many letters are there in the alphabet?
Eleven: T-H-E-A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

52. When does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary.

53. A girl throws a ball as hard as she can. It comes back to her, even though nothing and nobody touches it. How?
She throws it straight up.

54. What happens once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in one thousand years?
The letter “M.”

55. If an electric train is traveling south, which way is the smoke going?
There is no smoke; it’s an electric train!

56. What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short.

57. It belongs to you, but your friends use it more. What is it?
Your name.

58. Kate’s mother has three children: Snap, Crackle, and ___?
Kate, because she’s Kate’s mom too.

59. If you don’t keep me, I’ll break. What am I?
A promise.

60. You can touch me, but I can’t touch you back. You can see me, but I only reflect you and can never reject you. What am I?
A mirror.

61. I am always running, but never get tired or hot. What am I?
The refrigerator.

62. You’re running a race and, at the very end, you pass the person in second place. What place did you finish the race in?
You finished in second place.

63. There’s a one-story house in which everything is yellow. Yellow walls, yellow doors, yellow furniture. What color are the stairs?
There aren’t any — it’s a one-story house.

64. I do not have wings, but I can fly. I don’t have eyes, but I will cry! What am I?
A cloud.

65. People buy me to eat but never eat me. What am I?
A plate.

66. You see a boat filled with people, yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?
All the people on the boat are married.

67. Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I still sound the same. I am a five-letter word. What am I?
Empty.

68. What can travel at nearly 100 miles per hour but never leave the room?
A sneeze.

69. What has a tail and a head but no body?
A coin.

70. What do you throw out when you want to use it but take in when you don’t want to use it?
An anchor.

71. I have 1000 legs but cannot stand and a long neck but no head. What am I?
A broom.

72. I have a pearl white chest without a key or lid, inside of which golden treasure is hid. What am I?
An egg.

73. If you feed it, it lives. If you water it, it dies. What is it?
Fire.

74. What is the one thing everyone can agree is between heaven and earth?
The word “and.”

75. If a rooster lays an egg on the exact peak of a barn, which side does it fall?
Roosters don’t lay eggs.

76. A cowboy rides into town on Friday. He stays three days, then rides out of town on Friday. How?
His horse’s name was Friday.

77. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.

78. I don’t have eyes, ears, nose, and tongue, but I can see, smell, hear, and taste everything. What am I?
A brain.

79. It stands on one leg with its heart in its head. What is it?
A cabbage.

80. It has been around for millions of years, but it is no more than a month old. What is it?
The moon.

81. It has one eye but cannot see. What is it?
A needle.

82. I’m the king of dinosaurs, but I’m definitely not the biggest. Who am I?
T-Rex.

83. I am small, but I grow three times as large with water. What am I?
A sponge.

84. What three-letter word is a mousetrap?
Cat.

85. How can you keep an elephant from charging?
Take away its credit card.

86. A precious stone, as clear as diamond. Seek it out while the sun’s out shining. Though you can walk on water with its power, Try to keep it, and it’ll vanish in an hour. What am I?
Ice.

87. Walk on the living; they don’t even mumble. Walk on the dead; they mutter and grumble. What am I?
Leaves.

88. If you threw a yellow stone into a blue sea, what would it become?
Wet.

89. How do you make the number “one” disappear?
Add a “g” and it is “gone.”

90. What is as big as a hippo but weighs nothing at all?
A hippo’s shadow.

91. What kind of tree can you carry in your hand?
A palm.

92. They come out at night without being called and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they?
Stars.


Jak mało to daj znać na cześka

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Brązowe noski są na świecie :)

mika_p
mika_p - Superbojowniczka · 5 miesięcy temu
@tomasz35 Za dużo i chaos

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I'm a Black Magic Woman

tomasz35
@mika_p.

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Brązowe noski są na świecie :)
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