Universal College Professor Translator

With the new academic year coming near, it’s really good to realise that things (and words) are not always what they seam (and sound). This text will give you an idea of what your teacher REALLY means...

They say: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
They mean: I wrote the thing and need the royalties.

They say: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in this course.
They mean: Providing, of course, you don’t need any sleep or other ’life’.

They say: The gist of what the author is saying is what’s most important.

They say: Various authorities agree that...
They mean: My hunch is that...

They say: The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
They mean: I don’t know.

They say: Come see me during my office hours for an answer to your question.
They mean: I don’t know.

They say: In answer to your question, there are several disparate points of view.
They mean: I really don’t know.

They say: Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
They mean: Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.

They say: I haven’t time to consider all the people who made contributions to this
field.
They mean: I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.

They say: We can continue this discussion outside of class.
They mean: I’m tired of this, let’s quit (and/or) You’re winning the argument, let’s quit.

They say: Today we’ll let a member of the class lead the discussion, it will be a good
educational experience.
They mean: I stayed out too late last night and didn’t have time to prepare a lecture.

They say: Any questions?
They mean: Alright, I’m ready to leave now.

They say: The implications of this study are clear.
They mean: I don’t know what all this means either, but there’ll be a question about it on the next test.

They say: The test will be 50 questions, multiple choice.
They mean: The test will be 60 questions multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 65 per cent.

They say: The test scores were generally good.
They mean: Some of you managed a C+.

They say: The test scores were a little below my expectations.
They mean: Where was the party last night? (and/or) Did any of you idiots even bother to study?

They say: Some of you could have done better.
They mean: Everyone flunked.

They say: Before we begin today, are there any questions about previous material?
They mean: Has anyone bothered to open the book yet?

They say: According to my sources...
They mean: According to the guy who taught this thing last year...

They say: It’s been very rewarding to teach this class.
They mean: I hope they find some other sucker to teach this turkey next year!