Humorous epitaphs

Because a perfect sense of humour lasts longer than life...

Here lies my wife
Here let her lie 
Now she has peace 
And so do I 

***

She caught a chill
while picking peas
in the rain and died.

***

I told you I was sick!

***

Here lies Lester Moore,
Four slugs from a forty-four.
No Les, No Moore. 

***

In loving memory of Ellen Shannon, aged 25, 
Who was accidentally burned March 21, 1870, 
By the explosion of a lamp filled with R.E. Danforth’s Non-explosive burning fluid. 

***

Here lies an atheist,
All dressed up and,
No place to go.

***

Here lays Butch, 
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger, 
But slow on the draw.

***

She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.

***

In Memory of Beza Wood 
Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood 
Enclosed in wood 
One Wood within another.
The outer wood is very good:
We cannot praise the other.

***

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 
His comely young widow,
aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, 
and yearns to be comforted.

***

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

***

Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903--Died 1942 
Looked up the elevator shaft 
to see if  the car was on 
the way down. 
It was.

***

Honey you don’t know 
what you did for me, 
Always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked
came in to play, 
Two days after you passed away.
For this, 
a huge monument I do erect,
For now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
For now we are worth 8.5
(Actual epitaph of Elizabeth Rich,
Eufala, Alabama)

***

Under the sod, 
Under the trees, 
Lies the body of 
Bolivar Peas, 
Peas ain’t here, 
Only the pod, 
Peas shelled out 
and went home to God.

polish version