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WWW - Working Week Wackypack I

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Here is our first multi-pack in English. The six jokes were picked up for your pleasure from this forum. Now sit back and n-joy!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m just tellin’ my frienda how to spella ’Mississippi’."
posted by Quixote

* * * * *
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him
and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that
he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was
nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a
client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you?
You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client
suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining
room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man
explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he
felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he
definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up
"looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels
The doctor said, "I found it right here under ’looks terrible, feels
great’. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell
me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you’re a vagina."
posted by Reszka

* * * * *
- How do you count a herd of cattle?
- With a cowculator
posted by Ponury_zniwiarz

* * * * *
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can’t do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer’’." "But that won’t let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That’s Strange!"
posted by Kozak

* * * * *
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her bag and took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said ’Hey that’s a good idea, what is it that you put over your cigarette’
The other old lady said ’It’s a condom’
’A condom? where do you get those’
The old lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could get them from the chemist. When the two old ladies went shopping, the old dear with the questions went into the chemist and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. He said yes, but looked a little surprised that an old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked ’what size do you want’
The old lady thought for a minute and said ’One that fits a camel!.

posted by Quixote

* * * * *
You Know You’re Canadian When:
a) You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
b) You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
c) Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
d) The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
e) You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.
f) You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u’s from labor, honor, and color.
g) You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
h) You’ve plugged a car in overnight.
i) You’ve defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don’t own a gun.

posted by Zgred 
With a little help of Xanthoula
You know you’re Canadian when everything you say ends with EH !!! True, eh?
-         in the winter there is no snow on the pavement
-         hockey section starts on the front page

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