How does the Solar System hold up its trousers?
With an asteroid belt
That was a poor joke about infinity
it didn't have an ending
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Jurassic Pork
Why do mummies not tell secrets?
They keep everything under wraps
How did brave Egyptians write?
In hero-glyphics
What kind of lighting did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights
What would they call a drugs festival at Stonehenge? Stonedhenge
What relative did Socrates need after his trial?
An Aunty dote
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer
What did Romans use to cut string?
A pair of Caesars
What's a volcano's favourite historical document?
The Magma Carte
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi
The Normans won because they were better at arrow dynamics
What phrase in battle did William the Conqueror hate?
"Fire at will"
Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare?
Hamlet's killers, because they did murder most foul
Harper Lee wrote an alcoholic version of her bestseller called Tequila Mockingbird
Where did Columbus first land in America?
On his feet
What vegetable did Christopher Columbus not want on his ship? A leek
Sea captains don't like crew cuts
What do you call a duck who likes watching fireworks? A firequacker
What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?
T-shirts
What happens when a guillotine operator is fired?
He collects severance pay
Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?
Of Corsican
What do you get if you throw a grenade into Napoleon's kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked
What did the greedy golddigger say? That's all mine, mine, mine
What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?
Ape Lincoln
Abe Lincoln’s famous speech to commemorate the opening of the first McDonald’s in 1863 was known as the Get-cheeseburger Address.
Why did Karl Marx like herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft
Why did you the artist become an Impressionist?
He did it for the Monet
What fast food do psychiatrists like?
Kentucky Freud Chicken
A patient ran into his analyst's office screaming "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!" and was told: "Relax, you're two tents"
Why did the car cross the river with the boat?
It was a Ford escort
What fish did Lenin hate?
Czardines
I used to be a banker but I lost interest
If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?
How did Castro find out about the Bay of Pigs?
Someone squealed
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams
What did the cat say to Zedong?
MAOeow
Mao left a huge estate when he died.
It was the great will of China
There is some Confucion about the oldest religion in China
Why did the Berlin Wall fall?
it wanted to go down in history
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up
With an asteroid belt
That was a poor joke about infinity
it didn't have an ending
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Jurassic Pork
Why do mummies not tell secrets?
They keep everything under wraps
How did brave Egyptians write?
In hero-glyphics
What kind of lighting did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights
What would they call a drugs festival at Stonehenge? Stonedhenge
What relative did Socrates need after his trial?
An Aunty dote
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer
What did Romans use to cut string?
A pair of Caesars
What's a volcano's favourite historical document?
The Magma Carte
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi
The Normans won because they were better at arrow dynamics
What phrase in battle did William the Conqueror hate?
"Fire at will"
Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare?
Hamlet's killers, because they did murder most foul
Harper Lee wrote an alcoholic version of her bestseller called Tequila Mockingbird
Where did Columbus first land in America?
On his feet
What vegetable did Christopher Columbus not want on his ship? A leek
Sea captains don't like crew cuts
What do you call a duck who likes watching fireworks? A firequacker
What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?
T-shirts
What happens when a guillotine operator is fired?
He collects severance pay
Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?
Of Corsican
What do you get if you throw a grenade into Napoleon's kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked
What did the greedy golddigger say? That's all mine, mine, mine
What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?
Ape Lincoln
Abe Lincoln’s famous speech to commemorate the opening of the first McDonald’s in 1863 was known as the Get-cheeseburger Address.
Why did Karl Marx like herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft
Why did you the artist become an Impressionist?
He did it for the Monet
What fast food do psychiatrists like?
Kentucky Freud Chicken
A patient ran into his analyst's office screaming "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!" and was told: "Relax, you're two tents"
Why did the car cross the river with the boat?
It was a Ford escort
What fish did Lenin hate?
Czardines
I used to be a banker but I lost interest
If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?
How did Castro find out about the Bay of Pigs?
Someone squealed
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams
What did the cat say to Zedong?
MAOeow
Mao left a huge estate when he died.
It was the great will of China
There is some Confucion about the oldest religion in China
Why did the Berlin Wall fall?
it wanted to go down in history
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up
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Darauf kannst du Gift nehmen
