Jokepack

His answer was, "A round of drinks."

* * * * * *

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon.
"I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I’ll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

* * * * * *

Jeff was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader’s table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Jeff readily agreed and took a seat at the palm reader’s table.
"I can see that you currently have no girlfriend." She said
"That’s true," said Jeff.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?"
"Yes," Jeff shamefully admitted. "That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."

* * * * * *

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace...
It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started."
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished. So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, some Valium, a small box of chocolates and 9 beers.
You have no idea how good I feel.

* * * * * *

Q. Why do Pakistani women have the red dot on the forehead?
A. Because the husband smokes while they make love.

Q. How do you recognize a gay Pakistani?
A. He has a red dot on the back of the head.

Q. When does a Jewish man stop masturbating?
A. When his wife dies.

* * * * * *

A guy gets pulled over. He already is kinda ticked. The cop gets out and looks at the driver, studies him, and says,
"Your eyes look bloodshot, Have you been drinking?"
The guy replies, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

* * * * * *

There’s a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions.
A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you’re a wh*re.

* * * * * *

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to
deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"

* * * * * *

One day a boy came home from school and his mother asked, "What did you do today, son?" The boy replied, "I learned a lot in Sex Education class." The mother, thinking this to be a dirty joke, yelled at him and sent him to his room.
Later that day, the daughter comes home and the mother says to her, "You’ll never guess what! Your brother told me he
learned a lot in Sex Education class! I sent him to his room!" "Mom," the girl said, "he really does go to a sex education class. He wasn’t lying" The mother, feeling very bady about the mixup, goes to the boy’s room to apologize.
She opens the door to find him masturbating and she says, "When you are done with your homework, come out here, we have to talk."

* * * * * *

Top ten things not to say in an elevator
10. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
9. Play the harmonica.
8. Shadow box.
7. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
6. Lean against the button panel.
5. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
4. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
3. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal
space."
2. Bring a chair along.
1. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

* * * * * *

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked:
"Where are you going?" He replied:
"To the kitchen."
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said: "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that."
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied: "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that."
He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon
and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

* * * * * *

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You’ve got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You’ve also got Alzheimer’s Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that’s not so bad. At least I don’t have AIDS."

* * * * * *

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table
and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?".
It said "YES". He then says "What’s your name?". It says "MOSES".
The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??"
The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

* * * * * *

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so
overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

* * * * * *

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

* * * * * *

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned ’14.........14.........14.......14.’

* * * * * *

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That’s disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts."

* * * * * *

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

* * * * * *

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room
and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their
hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas.
The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money.
The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

* * * * * *

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

* * * * * *

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I’m sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you’ll forgive me." So the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

* * * * * *

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were
the following symbols in order of appearance:
1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David
which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The
explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"